Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.